There are few events in life that shake a person to the core the way that grief does.   I'm no stranger to it as I'm sure most are not as well.  There is something about that extraordinary emotion, even when its expected, you can't explain it nor can you shrug it off.  My experiences with it will not be the same as anyone at all.  Ever.  Since our Heavenly Father has seen fit to make us all different, we all respond differently.  Sometimes I wish someone felt the same way, with the same experience, with the same upbringing…maybe then I could make sense of things.  But I don't think sense can be made.   I know I am safe in the arms of my Lord because its the only haven I have when I feel so deeply, so strongly.  The pain is fierce.  It's severe.  Sometimes I wish that God would give us just one day, or better yet, one day a year, to sit and visit with those we've lost.  To make it less final.  To catch up.   To cry harder, longer.  So much has yet to be said.  So much has yet to be shared.  There are moments I want to eavesdrop on grief and ask, "what were you thinking?!"  Yet, I know He has a plan.  I know I'll never understand it, but I know it.  I have to live it to grasp it.  Sadly.  With the ache in my heart, in my throat.  My brain has yet to get it.  It still goes back to picking up the phone, to the thought of "I have to tell…,"  and then, feeling the loss.  I have a tendency to tell God in those moments all the things I would tell her.  Asking him, pleading with him, to tell her, so I know she knows.  Almost hearing the words that she would say back to me, conversing.  It's comforting.  My heart longs to have just a second, a mere second, its all I ask.  To feel that life again, without the pain, the hurt.  Yet I sit, grateful, that I had the time, sounds so cliche, to love, to feel, to adore someone so deeply that the pain sears through my being when they're gone.   I do thank Him, excited that one day we will truly meet again, and embrace, and love.  But for now, today….I sit.

Warning: They Are Not Who They Appear to Be

I had coffee with one of my oldest friends last night. We had some great laughs, all considering we have known each other for 35 years. We chatted about what our kids are doing these days, our parents and their recent ailments, our wins and losses in life. It was really a great night. Something she said though stayed in my head all night and this morning. She said, “I can’t believe you, Ana, are a homeschool mom of eight with a pastor for a husband. I never would have pictured it. Goes to show you, you can never judge what kids are going to be when they’re young.”

Phew! She was so right! Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!!! When I look back at my younger years, I see a lost, totally confused, young girl with terribly low self-esteem and way too many boy crazy dreams. How merciful is He who can save someone so lost, someone so estranged to the things of God! If it weren’t for the prayers of my mom, my grandma and their friends in the church, I don’t know where this wretch would be right now. Seems we have such a tendency to look at a child and think we know exactly how they will turn out. In some cases, I’m sure we are correct, but in others, by the sheer grace and magnitude of a desperately loving God, we are so wrong! The statement reminded me to persevere to pray for my kids, their friends, and their future spouses, even more. After all, they really are not who they appear to be right now. Thank you Jesus!!!

We Will Never Forget

Today is my sister's birthday. We aren't out celebrating with dinner and laughter, not anymore, her life is celebrated with more meaning now. My sister went home to be with the Lord four years ago but she left behind a legacy of motherhood that most will never have. Diagnosed with cancer at just 32, with two little girls, she took the time she had left to imprint on their lives in a way that sometimes we don't even do with our lifetime. Infilling them with strength to fight for her everyday, the spunk to feel everything as if she would never have the opportunity to feel it again, armed with a faith that would get her through, she taught me, as a mom, to see the things I normally wouldn't see had she not had eternity staring her in the face on a regular basis. Many people pass through this life without the glorious opportunity to leave a piece of themselves. As a mother, my sister had that precious opportunity however painful it was to raise them and teach them knowing full well that she wouldn't be there to see the end result, she taught me to savor the refreshment that comes when I see my now grown children seeking a loving God, bearing witness to the fruit that endures from a life drawn by prayer. As a mother, my sister drew her strength from a God who loved her, who gave her 5 1/2 more years to give her her heart's desire; the ability to leave an imprint on their hearts of who she was, and who she wanted them to be. Though we miss her every day, and lately even more than that, we will never forget the person she was, and the person God allowed her to be in her last years with us. Had she not gotten sick, she may have gone on to be selfish as we all tend to be without realizing each day could be our last, not knowing our time is precious with our little (and big) blessings.

As the tears fall freely this morning thinking of her, each one another memory of the life I was privileged to share with her, may I never forget all she taught me as a mom, as a sister and as a woman of God. We will never forget! Happy Birthday!

5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter

Tonight I facilitated a new study for moms of daughters called, "5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter." It was a fun night with lots of great discussion. The book, by Vicki Courtney, is one of my favorites to date on parenting. She is also in the process of writing a book for moms of boys too. (We'll read that one next!) Vicki shares some really important messages or "conversations" that moms should make sure they have with their daughters over the course of their growing up. Each conversation can be broadened as your daughter grows and changes. My favorite statement from the book is:

God is looking for imperfect mothers raising imperfect daughters in an imperfect world - who are desperately dependent on a perfect God for the results.

To me, those are really strong words to raise not only our daughters by, but our sons as well. We, as moms, have a tendency to struggle to be perfect, but God doesn't want us to be perfect. He just wants us to be DESPERATELY DEPENDENT on Him to raise our children. This imperfect mom can certainly attain to that, but perfection, I don't think so.

Since this blog is mostly about motherhood, I thought it only fitting to write today, Mother's Day. As a mom of many, I always find it interesting to hear how everyone thinks that because I have so much mommy experience, that they, with only one, two, or three children, couldn't possibly hold a candle to me. So here I am telling you, young moms, moms of one, moms of two or more, that I don't know it all, I don't claim to know it all, and I truly mess up quite more (8x more in fact) than you might think. In fact, just like with a newly saved soul, who is so wonderfully on fire for God, is contagious to us more mature christians, so are some of you moms of not-so-many, encouraging to a mom like me. I love being reminded of those exciting times that I have forgotten in the chaos of my own everyday life. I love watching young moms capture those teachable moments with their little ones. Though the Word of God tells us "older women to teach the younger women," let us not forget that sometimes, its "out of the mouths of babes" that we can learn a great deal too! Thank you moms of a few, young moms, and moms to be, of reminding this old mom, what it means to love on your children! Keep up the good work, I can learn a lot from you too!!! Happy Mother's Day!!!

And her children shall rise and bless her, when they get to college....

I have been trying to write this blog for quite some time. Time never waits though, and the days have gone on. This morning though, I read my daughter's blog and it was about me, and my husband. She actually did, "rise and bless" me. Wow! Still having little ones around, I wasn't quite sure what it felt like. But I realized it this morning as I read. Tears streaming down my face, blubbering away....yes, someone actually liked their upbringing in williamsville. I guess the Bible is right, and literal, when it says, "and when they are old..."

Between all the busyness of a given day, a given school year, its hard to know when you are being blessed until the moment is gone. I am blessed with 8 wonderful, little and big, blessings in my life! I love how they always bring me back to who I am and what I am trying to accomplish too. Yes, sometimes its in their fussing or whining about what so and so just did, sometimes its in the haziness of an early morning waking up to big, bright, blue 3yo eyes looking right into mine and smiling, and sometimes its in an older child's blog reminding me of what I did accomplish breaking up the small fights, looking into those 3yo's blue eyes. Thank you Shaina! You blessed me!